Always
by Micaiah
Summary: What happened between the boys the night Jess died? This takes place immediately after the fire. Some angst and schmoop aka schmangst. Dean's POV. "It was my job to protect him but there was nothing I could do to protect him from this."


**The idea for this fic came from a drabble I wrote in 2009 called _Dean's Gift, _which means this has been bouncing around in my head for a long time and I finally managed to get it out! ****It takes place immediately after the fire that killed Jess. **

* * *

_And I'll be there forever and a day_

_Always_

Sam hadn't uttered a word since we'd loaded into the Impala and headed for the nearest motel. Occasionally a silent tear ran down his cheek but he'd quickly wipe it away, as if he was furious at his emotions for betraying him.

"Are you hungry?" I asked.

Sam shook his head as another tear dropped into his lap.

Inwardly, I cursed whatever had done this to Jess…..and my brother. Sam was trying hard to be stoic but I knew him. The dam was going to burst. It was just a matter of when.

Sam had always been the one to question everything, to analyze a situation until sometimes I'd zone out just listening to him talk, but now he wasn't saying a word. I was more than a little worried. Sam had been standing at the trunk of the Impala, loading shells into a shotgun, all the weapons in plain sight, while policemen were questioning any possible witnesses. I'd always been the careless one, not Sam. I wasn't sure how to handle this role reversal.

The police had wanted to question Sam _(thank God they hadn't seen the weapons cache)_ but I'd managed to persuade them to wait until tomorrow…..not because I wanted to hang around here any longer but because I thought it best for my brother. I would like to have been high-tailing it out of town, same as the monster that did this to Jess. What had happened was no coincidence and I was sure whatever had killed Jess wasn't sticking around to be found. Dad had been hunting this thing for years. It was smart, it was evil, and it had a plan. Unfortunately, I had no idea what that plan was but it seemed to involve killing women the Winchesters loved. One more reason to never get too close to anyone…...loving someone would only get them killed.

I pulled the car into the motel parking lot and shut off the engine. "I'll be right back."

Sam appeared not to hear me.

"Sammy?"

"I'll be okay, Dean."

"Okay, well, good…...because I was starting to worry."

Sam finally turned and looked at me, his eyes dark with pain but he managed a small smile for my benefit. At least it was something. I nodded and headed into the motel to check us in. From the registration desk I could see the front fender of the Impala but I couldn't see Sam and it made me nervous. I didn't think Sam would do anything to himself, I was just afraid he would suddenly decide to take off on his own to find the thing that killed Jess.

_Wouldn't be the first time he's taken off._

Really? I had to think about that now? My brother was in pain. It wasn't the time to think about how Sam had taken off for college and never looked back. It wasn't time for me to be selfish. It was time to take care of Sammy.

After retrieving the room key, I unlocked the trunk of the Impala to get my bag. It struck me then that Sam had nothing but the clothes on his back. More than likely everything he owned had been destroyed in the fire. I made a mental note to take care of that first thing in the morning.

As I headed toward the motel room, I glanced back to be sure Sam was following me. He was walking as if he was in a daze but he was heading my way.

I tried to remember back to when Mom died. It was hard to remember the way I'd felt at the time but the emptiness in my life had followed me into adulthood. I wondered if the loss of Jess felt the same to Sam. He'd loved her and now she was gone. I didn't want my brother to live with the constant ache of missing someone the way I did. I'd do anything to save him from that pain.

"Dean, I'm not gonna break."

"What?"

I realized I'd been staring at Sam as he walked across the parking lot and the look on my face must have betrayed my thoughts.

"Quit looking at me like I'm fragile."

"Sorry, Sammy."

Some anger was coming through now. That could be good…...or possibly bad for me. He liked to pick fights when he was angry but for once, I was okay with that. I'd let him beat the shit out of me if it would relieve one ounce of his suffering.

Once inside the hotel room, Sam grabbed the remote, flipped on the TV and settled onto the bed closest to the door…...all the things he knows I normally do. I sighed and kept my smart ass remarks to myself. Yep, this was gonna be a long night.

* * *

I wanted to take a shower but decided against it. Sam was punching the buttons on the remote as if it had personally insulted him and I knew better than to leave him alone to stew in his anger. If I left the room, he might not be there when I came back. Anger made him impulsive and grief could make him reckless. Combine the two and it could make him dead. Dead I couldn't deal with. Anger I could.

I sat on the edge of the other bed and waited. He finished his assault of the remote by viciously hitting the power button and tossing the small device across the room. It shattered against the wall.

"Feel better?" I asked.

"No."

Sam's voice was raw with emotion...so much pain in one little word.

"I should have been there, Dean. I should have protected her."

Sam focused his attention on me and I knew what was coming.

"If you hadn't dragged me out in the middle of the night to find Dad, I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!"

"I'm sorry, Sammy."

Sam jumped up from the bed and began pacing the length of the small room. I wanted to console him but didn't know how. As I stood to face him, he stopped in front of me. Just as I thought he was going to hit me, his phone rang. Sam dug into his pocket and pulled it out, glancing at the caller ID before answering.

"Hey."

His voice was soft again. The person calling must have been someone important to him and Jess. Sam stalked into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. I could hear him murmuring to whoever was on the other end of the line but couldn't make out any of the words. He was in the bathroom for quite some time and I had almost nodded off to sleep when he emerged.

I glanced at my watch. It was just past six a.m. and neither of us had had any sleep. Sam appeared deflated…...his anger gone, replaced by a look of hopelessness. Just trying to keep up with his emotions was giving me whiplash. I could only imagine what it was doing to him.

"Sammy?"

"They're planning a memorial."

"Who is?"

Sam dropped his phone onto the bed and looked aimlessly around the room.

"Jessica's friends. How can someone do that so fast? How can they even plan it? How can they…..."

Tears were standing in Sam's eyes and I knew the dam was close to bursting. He plopped onto the bed beside me.

"I don't have anything to wear to her memorial, Dean. All my things…...everything…...it's all gone."

Sam raised his eyes to mine and all the anger he'd felt earlier was now welling up inside me. I was going to kill whatever had put that look in my little brother's eyes.

"It's all gone," he repeated. "She's gone. She's g-g-gone, D-dean. She's…..."

I put my arms around him and the tears came in a torrent…...raging sobs that told of the sorrow in his heart. I held him tight as he cried against me, wishing there was something I could do to take away his pain. I would gladly have taken Jessica's place if it would make my brother smile again but I had no way of doing that. No way to lessen the grief…...no way to help my brother. It was my job to protect him but there was nothing I could do to protect him from this. I had never felt so helpless in my entire life.

* * *

As Sam's tears abated, his exhaustion won out and he fell asleep in my arms. When we were younger, there were many nights he'd fallen asleep the same way but it was the first time he'd done so since he'd gotten bigger than me. I carefully tried to rearrange the way I was sitting without wakening him. One of his hands fisted in my shirt, holding on, same as when he was little. I swallowed against the lump in my throat.

I'd tried so hard to protect him, to let him be a kid for as long as possible. Hell, even when he went away to college, no matter how pissed I was at him for leaving, part of me felt relief that he could get away from the messed up life we lived. Maybe he could have something normal…...something I knew I was never going to have but now that was all gone. He was never going to be normal, not after this.

I saw what losing Mom had done to Dad. I couldn't let that happen to Sam. I couldn't let this consume him…...I couldn't let this define who he was. He was better than that. So was my Dad but it was way too late for him to go back now. Someday this thing would kill him. I wasn't going to lose Sammy too.

Sam moaned in his sleep and I tightened my arm around him. Bad dreams were bound to follow what he had witnessed last night. There was nothing I could do to stop that. I just had to be here for him when he woke up. And I would be. Whatever he needed, I would be there. Always.

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**Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome! **

**If you're not already reading it, I also have a demon Dean fic in progress called _There Ain't No Me If There Ain't No You._**

**Song lyrics are from Bon Jovi's _Always_, because Bon Jovi rocks...on occasion. :)**


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